From the Desk of Simon Presley Who Is This Guy?
Ants in My Toothpaste

From the Desk of Simon Presley May 19, 1997

Simon Presley

The Makers of Crest Toothpaste
Procter & Gamble
P.O. Box 599
Cincinnati, Ohio 45201

Dear Crestmakers,

I am greatly concerned about the supposed ingredients in your delicious Kid's SparkleFun Crest Toothpaste with Flouristat. (Gel flavor.)
It all began with a little ant problem which occurred here at my new apartment, just off the highway. It seems an army of red ants found its way into my bathroom. I think they were coming from the electric socket. And of all the items present on my sink counter, all those hungry little ants were heading straight for my toothpaste! Dozens of them, just helping themselves, right under the cap of the Neat Squeeze dispenser. (The cap was cracked during the move, so it didn't fit just right.) Why did they want my toothpaste so bad?
Then I thought (to myself) "What do ants like most? Sugar!" I figured there had to be sugar in the toothpaste for them to want it so much. But, I poured a tiny pile of table sugar next to their path and they just ignored it! They wanted that toothpaste! You have to imagine how hard it is to brush your teeth when you have to stall a few dozen ants first - especially when they ignore other bait.
But the label on the tube (which seems to have changed too many times, I can never find the right one!) says This product contains no sugar. What is it those ants want so much in your toothpaste? It sure ain't fluoride! I've since switched to Colgate, and they seem to leave that alone.
What is it you're not telling us?

Waiting for an answer,
Simon Presley