I've been working on adding a search feature to my new site, Texas Twisted, and I'm including a provision for an advanced search. Creative guy that I am, however, I thought I might call it something a little more clever than the tired old "Advanced Search."

I thought and thought and eventually figured that since it offered the more meticulous choices, that it would be funny to call it the Anal Search.

I quickly, and luckily, realized that would be something entirely different.

I went to a Big K (K-Mart's answer to the Super Wal-Mart) to buy some new sheets yesterday. Green with little dots, if you must know. On my way out, I shuddered at the usual long, lumbering lines — rhymes and alliteration, woohoo — just before I stumbled upon something amazing: self-service checkouts!

It's everything the usual checkout has, save the aproned, unwashed basket case behind the counter. (Of course, now that's you.)

There's a touch screen for making your selections, a scanner for scanning your items, and a card reader for paying for everything. There's even a soda-machine-style cash slot if you want to use bills! And the best part is not having to wait in a mind-numbing queue, since everyone else seems frightened of the idea.

I might start shopping at the Big K from now on just so I don't have to hear the nonsensical "Is this all for you today?" Really, what do they expect me to say? "No, could you hop on back and pick out a moderately priced, yet effective enamel-brightening toothpaste for me? That's a dear."

Sorry, I said I wasn't going to jeer...

"Why should I have to pay to get my own money?" Well, go to the bank where your money is being secured and you won't have to. Go out without planning ahead and be prepared to get charged.

A business installs a machine in a convenient location, pays for the machine, pays for the networking for that machine so that it can access various banking institutions, pays for the maintenance of that machine, pays the guy who restocks the machine with fresh bills, pays someone to clean it after you get your greasy hands on it...all out of the kindness of their hearts so that you can buy a slice of pizza after getting blitzed on 6th Street?

It's a service. You pay for a service. It'd be nice to have access to clean pairs of my own underwear wherever I go, but I guarantee you no one would ever drive out and retrieve them from my dresser for free.

You want to be able to take $60 out of your bank account in a remote gas station whenever you want? Fork up the $2.50. Think that's too much? Don't pay it. You're not obligated to use their ATM. You're completely free to take your business to another ATM, or you can search for a machine owned and maintained by the bank that holds your mazuma.^* Want the convenience of accessing your bank account right there, right then? Dry your tears and pay for it.

^*You'd be surprised how many synonyms for "money" you'd find in a good thesaurus.

When I was a teenager, I was just geek.