Tell me — in a head-on collision caused by one driver swerving too far into the oncoming lane, where's the worst possible place to be sitting? In one of the most dangerous types of car wrecks, the drivers are headed directly for each other's bodies!

In large-scale, above-ground mining operations, they employ rules of driving that actually make sense. Drivers of oversized dump trucks sit on the left side of the vehicle, yet drive on the left side of the road. If one driver were to misjudge his trajectory, resulting in head-on contact with an approaching vehicle, neither driver is directly involved in the impact! What a concept!

I think I'll have my Altima flown over to England and live there a while to test out this concept under normal commuting conditions. Then again, I could just drive on the opposite side of the road here — I really don't think anyone would notice.

The only problem, though, is that every few years — like today — my birthday happens to fall on Easter. So, unfortunately, it kind of gets overlooked. After all, it's been Easter a lot longer than I've had a birthday. Hell, it's been Tax Day longer than I've had a birthday. Oh, and the anniversary of the day the Titanic sank. And I once read somewhere that it was Ronald McDonald's birthday, too...

Anyway, with all the Easter stuff going on — church, family dinners, hunting for eggs — everybody's too busy to take me out and get me drunk.

But, I suppose I can't complain too much. After all, my nephew's birthday is on Christmas Eve. And that's every year.

I guess what really pisses me off, though, is that there were no Saturday-morning cartoons on.