When will people learn that they have to put four times the dryers in a laundry room than they do the washers? If you actually want your clothes to dry, you have to split one load of wash into two dryers, and taking into account the fact that at least one quarter of the washers will always be out of service and another quarter will be occupied by half-dry laundry left there all day by people too witless to set a timer in their apartment to go off in 40 minutes, a 1-to-4 ratio is the only way anyone will be able to wear clean socks before the end of the day.

Instead, we apartment dwellers who are too unfortunate to have our own laundry equipment are lucky to get any number of dryers that exceeds the sum washer total. So, we're forced to stake claim to the one machine that isn't broken or full of strange apparel and spend the following four hours trying to make our towels dry.

I'm just grateful I once again live near my parents so I can take advantage of their family-strength laundry suite. The only trick is to keep my mother out of the room long enough that my shirts don't end up with the smell of Viceroys.

Although I would like to refute all the so-called evidence presented by the show, I was only able to catch a short segment before turning back to Aaron Sorkin's fine production. According to Mitch Pileggi, star of The X Files, photographs of the moon mission show backlit subjects and shadow-covered objects that are not in complete darkness. In other words, things that are not lit by direct sunlight are still visible, which proves that there was more than one light source. So, obviously, the pictures had to be taken on a soundstage!

Well, either that or they were taken on a moon with more than one light source, like the one circling Earth. Not only is there a great deal of ambient light created by sunlight bouncing off of the bright surface of the moon itself, but there are two objects shining light down on the moon: 1) the sun and 2) the Earth. That's right, just as the moon reflects light onto the Earth at night, the Earth does the same on the moon, acting as a fill light in the shadows created by the sun. And the Earth reflects a great deal of light onto the moon, seeing as there is no atmosphere to disperse it. Incidentally, it's referred to as "earthshine" and is in the dictionary.

But, you know, I could be wrong. After all, a Fox exposé would be the source for unbiased, scientific information.

But, when I arrived in the arena, I was startled to find a large number of children. The place was crawling with them. Here I was expecting — and looking forward to — more than a necessary level of cursing, drinking and general violence...but there I was, surrounded by prepubescence.

Six-year-olds, seven-year-olds, eight-year olds. Young ones belonging to some sort of Indian-themed, Boy Scout knock-off troupe. Even little girls waving their 12-dollar foam hockey sticks in the air. I was outnumbered and feared the wrath of protective parents intent on sheltering their impressionables from "inappropriate" behavior. Is a hockey game really the place to have a family night out?

It seems that more and more events and establishments are becoming family-oriented. Restaurants that I once enjoyed in peace have adopted children's menus and begun encouraging households to dine with their screaming, restless young ones. Even Las Vegas — the ultimate escape for grown-ups looking to engage in the moderate sins — has become one giant theme park. What's next? Strip clubs?

I say if you're going to choose a lifestyle that involves kids, either eat out at Chuck E. Cheese and head for the nearest Discovery Zone or leave the brats at home when you want to go somewhere adult. I waited too many years to employ unnecessary, taboo expletives and engage in intemperate imbibition to have it taken away now because Mom and Dad won't spring for a babysitter.