Boy do you put yourself on a throne. I mean, come ON! "They're STILL writing checks?!" ?? Who in their right mind gets upset over this crap! "Oh my God! I can't read your bathroom magazines! You might have put your ink-stained-from-your-checkbook hands on them!" Please. When I went to that Photo page, it was cool. But this page is just... Not even worthy of the name "Waste," it's not worth the time you had to take to make it! Much less the time it takes those few of us to read it. I personally want to build a page someday that has my own thoughts about random things, but I'll be sure not to be as friggin nitpicky as the author of this one. Oh, but best of luck with the other pages.

But if you agree with Micki, perhaps you would prefer her short stories about Sliders and how her boyfriend broke up with her.

Incidentally, while on my throne, I won't be reading those either.

After all, I don't know the lavatory habits of even my closest friends. (Well, most of them.) All I know is there's touching of things in there that I don't want to have anything to do with. I'm not saying the magazines are coming in direct contact with anything offensive, but hands are here, hands are there, hands are on the reading material...and I just don't want to think about it. That Gary Larson compendium I'm looking at may have just been a little too close to the Far Side.

And that's what I did. And when I go shopping, I do it in a hurry. I grab exactly what I need and get out of there. I can't stand wandering the aisles and dodging screaming kids for an hour and a half when I know what it is I need. But, then I have to get in line. Now, is my own personal timeline beginning to move faster than everyone else's or are lines at the store getting slower and slower?

And what really kills me are people writing checks. People still do this? Sure, I write checks to pay some of my bills, but when I go to the store, I use my check card! Do people not realize this technology exists? I haven't opened a bank account yet where they didn't offer one for free. And it doesn't cost anything to use it. It works just like a debit card except it has a Visa logo on it and it'll clear just like a credit card. And the money comes straight out of your account — get this — just like a check!

So, please someone tell me, why does anyone still find it necessary to hold up the line for an extra 5 minutes trying to remember what today is?

But, if Dominos would just die so I don't have to see any more of those deranged Bad Andy ads, I'd be a happy man. I mean, what the hell is that thing?? A monkey? A burned pepperoni? Did I miss the one where they told us where the hell it came from? Ugh, I can't tell you how much I hate advertising...

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(FYI, this site used to have banners. The joke made sense at the time, trust me. And by the way, if there is a banner up there, then I've added them again, so you can ignore this bit.)

Some credit Tiger Woods for the growth in golf's popularity. But, I disagree. One young guy who's really good at it encouraged Joe Six-pack to spend his weekend at the course? If a 19-year-old American kid with a great smile turns into a real lacrosse champ, I doubt America would go out and spend $800 on a stick with a pouch on the end.

I know I'll get a lot of flack for this (especially from my golf-loving buddy), but I find golf boring. I find it boring like the rest of the world did ten years ago.

And then there's something I really don't get. Video golf. Golf on the computer. Is there anything less active? Maybe video fly fishing. It's like dreaming of a good night's sleep while taking a nap.

Now, I could come back in half an hour, but then again, the person may be back any minute. Hell, he could have put the sign up 28 minutes ago! Informing me that you'll be back in 30 minutes from the time you left tells me absolutely nothing when I have no idea when it is you left!

Here's an idea — write down the time that you'll be back like you do with your open/closed sign. You know, the one that says Open 9:00 to 5:00 and not Open in 20 Minutes and Closed 8 Hours Later.

And it's pretty rare, but I've heard it said that way with binoculars and the like, too. The "x" in such a case is read as "power."

What really baffles me, though, is when someone says something like, "Take 52 and times it by 12." And how many times should I times it?

So, what's with this magical word "times"? Will it become such a versatile word that it will someday replace all verbs? Will it become an all-purpose word like "aloha" or "smurf"? I guess maybe I'll just have to brain on that a while.

I shuffle into the bathroom, politely and gently shut the door and grab the seat, intending to set it down calmly. But, instead, my fingers malfunction and in some instantaneous attempt to recover the seat before it falls, my digits vehemently hurl the toilet saddle downward until it slams with an echoing, porcelain report.

Someday, I hope to solicit a grant or two and mount an investigation into this startling phenomenon. But, again, it may just be me.

Oh, and there could be popular music playing under each scene and soundtracks could sell for every episode. Think the WB would be interested?

If not, I could give one of them extraordinary powers and pitch it to Fox.